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Contributed by Art

I’m an atypical Parent Empowerment Network member in many ways. For instance I’m the father of an African-American daughter through adoption. Although this article takes the form of an account of my (our) personal experiences, it is my hope that some of the information contained here will be useful to some readers. And if you’d like for me to expand on anything, I’ll be happy to. Just write to me at blaser@chapman.edu.

Let me begin by explaining who I (we) are. My wife, Barbara, and I (Art) were both born in July, 1953. Our daughter, Christan, was born in March of 1998. We live south of Los Angeles, about five miles from Disneyland. Barbara is a dentist in Long Beach and I teach political science. Barbara and Christan are African-American; I’m white.

I’ve been disabled since March of 1993. My left side is paralyzed due to a stroke, and my speech is impaired. I use a wheelchair for mobility.

When Barbara and I were married in 1995, one of our common desires was for children. And as most, but not all adoptive parents have done, our first thought was that this meant biologically-related children. There was only one problem with this preference-we were awfully old. We looked into, but didn’t try fertility treatments-for what seemed to be a large sum of money they offered a chance, but only a chance, to conceive children. Of course that chance gets greater as prospective parents multiply the treatments, and multiply the financial and emotional investment.

Our observation was that in the fertility business as in the adoption business there are some wonderful people, but others who are eager to take money from vulnerable people who are more than willing to give it to them.

So beginning in January, 1997, we began to look into adoption. This was an easy decision for us I think for two reasons: our families and friends were universally supportive; and our home and wallets were amenable to adoption. The rehearsal of options below is not from an encyclopedia; all were ones that we pursued, some more zealously than others.

State procedures on adoption vary. In California many newborns are initially granted to foster parents who will later adopt them. That is because their birth-mothers are in detention, and have surrendered all rights to the child. Most of the babies are born addicted to drugs or with AIDS requiring an initial investment of time by the adoptive parents.

A second option for adoption exists where birthmothers have agreed that the baby will be placed with adoptive parents through a charity or other organization. Typically a Board of the charity or other organization will decide which prospective adoptive parents are “babyworthy.” We’ve seen and heard varying assessments of how much difference disability makes. Unfortunately it may be only after years of waiting that one finds out.

Some of the organizations specialize in international adoptions, and the adoption of some children from some countries may be easier than others. Countries such as Costa Rica may make international adoption very difficult in all cases but virtually impossible for children under four, wanting to prevent exploitation and to assert that "we take care of our own." International adoption of Chinese babies is common if the babies are female but not if they are male. Valid questions have been raised about China's policy but it has resulted in lots of happy parents and happy daughters.

The third option involves a consensual agreement between the birthmother and the adoptive parents. Often, as was our case, the prospective adoptive parents will not know birthmothers before the adoption, so others will make the connection. Some of these others are called "facilitators," and will usually charge for the service which may be facilitating a possible adoption which does not take place.

Although state laws will vary they generally provide that the adoptive parents would pay "birth-related" expenses of the birth-mother. Eventually a judge will decide whether the expenses properly fell under this definition in order to prevent such practices as baby selling.

Soon after we made the choice to pursue adoption a facilitator matched us with a prospective birth-mother. This meant paying fees to the facilitator and lawyer, and paying birth related expenses of the mother. In hindsight Barbara and I were very naïve in that we only too willingly agreed to the initial expenses and then to an increase in the birth-related expenses. Eventually the birth mother chose not to deal with the facilitator, and then not to deal with us. A month after the birth she reconsidered and asked us to pick up the baby which we were happy to do. Less than twenty four hours after that Barbara received a call at work: "I want my baby back."

Twice after that the birth mother again had second thoughts and asked us to pick the baby up. This was certainly very tempting, but California law was very clear: up to four months after the adoption agreement the birth mother may reclaim the baby. Although I have mixed feelings, on balance I think that it is a good law: that birth mothers as well as adoptive parents have rights and feelings which should be protected. The interest of the baby will vary, but is best served by laws which are clear and not by being a "football" in lengthy court battles.

Perhaps we should have drawn different lessons from our experiences than we did, but we repeated previous mistakes. Months later than our initial failed adoption, the same facilitator again matched us with a birth-mother, who again stopped talking to the facilitator. She also stopped talking with us, but within a few days the baby was with us for a week. During that time the birth mother called daily and faxed past-due credit card bills, writing a note on one "transportation may be a problem." Although certainly phrases like "birth-related" are subject to interpretation, these expenses would fall outside any conceivable interpretation. So after a week the baby was back with his birth-mother.

During our odyssey we talked with several other birth-mothers, and actually arranged for the adoption of another baby. In this case the baby is living with the birth-father's grandparents, and we feel fortunate in that she was never in our home because we would surely have formed an attachment. Usually birth-fathers have been "out of the picture" although we did talk briefly with a couple.

Fortunately this story has a happy ending and we almost never think of the events described in the preceding paragraphs. We did end up working with a wonderful organization, PACT www.pactadopt.org. It is properly an adoption alliance, and different from facilitators in that it is nonprofit.

Probably the best part of our successful adoption experience is that it was so brief. One Tuesday evening we received a call from PACT. Christan's birth-mother had read a packet of our material which included a "Dear Birth-mother" letter, photographs, letters of reference written by friends, and other information. She was interested in our adopting her baby, with delivery to take place in two days. Were we interested?

To say that we were interested is an understatement; we were delighted. That Friday, after taking a plane to Northern California from Southern California, and less than twenty four hours after Chirstan's birth we were with our daughter. Birth-mothers are involved to varying degrees in the lives of the adoptive parents and the child; in our case the contact has been occasional letters and exchanges of photographs. Perhaps at a future time, due to the birth-mother's wishes or to Christan's, this may change.

As are most adoptions today ours is an open adoption. Our guess is that at some point Christan will become curious about her birth-mother and also a full birth sister who lives in Northern California. (The generalization/possible stereotype is that adopted girls often become curious; adopted boys seldom do.) The birth-father has indicated a desire not to be contacted, but the records are open.

At one level our relationship with Christan is very simple: two parents who love their daughter very much. A title of a recent book suggests that Race Matters, and Christan is an African American child in a neighborhood with less than 2% African American population and a white birth-father. PACT does many adoptions which are "transracial" (with an African American baby being adopted by two white parents) which does lead to an occasional reaction of "we take care of our own" and concerns about cultural assimilation or even "genocide."

I think that these concerns are unwarranted in that Christan sees much more of her African American relatives than her white ones, and paradoxically she is likely to receive some of her teaching in African American history from her white father.

One episode of Seinfeld had Kramer commenting that adoption was a determining factor in someone's behavior. "You know, Son of Sam was adopted." Among the other things that PACT does very well is providing information and definitions such as the following:

"Adoptism is a belief that keeping a child with their biological parents is inherently better than placing a child for adoption." This definition seems to me to be helpful in explaining the decisions of birth-mothers not to follow through with adoption. We would even see the advantages as going in the opposite direction. As two year olds are prone to do, Christan will jump on the couch and then fall on the floor. After the painful fall she will repeat the process not twice or three times but ten times. Barbara and I can say to each other: "She must get that from you" without placing the other on the defensive.

In our case friends and families have been very supportive and we can't imagine being happier than we are with Christan. As is generally the case for in-country adoptions we have complete medical records and every indication that her future and ours will be happy ones.

Although I may have referred to it indirectly above, I do think that Christan's father's having a disability is relevant to our adoption experience. Although birth-mothers have not raised it directly, commonly their decisions are reached with consultation from several friends or relatives. And if a birth-mother wants to reach a decision that not going forward with an adoption is a good idea, I'm sure that a prospective parent's disability may help with the rationalization.

On the other hand, I have met with Christan's birth-mother and birth-grandfather. Our meetings went very well, and my sense was that my disability was not a concern.

Christan's reaction to my disability has for the most part been amusing. From a very early age she displayed curiosity about my tracheotomy. She will instruct me to "jump" periodically, but for now seems satisfied when I move. My guess is that with my disability as with other characteristics, Christan will find some things to like and others not to in the future. This will no doubt be largely a product of how I act and react, and I am learning a lot from resources such as the discussions on the Parent Empowerment Network listserv.

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